In Preppie's Shoes

Lessons From Bob Ong

2009-03-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

BABALA: Ang inyong mababasa dito ay pawang mga opinyon lamang ng dalawang kaluluwang tinamaan ng mga pangangaral ng ulirang manunulat sa Pilipino. Walang anumang intensyon ang mga nasabing mga tao na kutyain o bigyang kasiraang-puri ang kanyang mga gawa. Patnubay ng mga magulang ay kailangan.

Part 1: Tungkol sa Pag-ibig

B.O.: Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya…
B.B.: Sabagay.
B.K.: Sabihin mo yan sa nga torpe, ‘nu kaya comment nila?

B.O.: Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay sa temptasyon.
B.B.: Ganun ba yun?
B.K.: Ano na ngayon pagkakaiba nila sa mga matibay sa temptasyon?

B.O.: Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.
B.B: Pwede bang gamitin ang puso ko para sa sarili ko?
B.K.: Ano ang gagamitin kung wala pareho?

B.O.: Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.
B.B: TOTOO YAN!
B.K.: …at bitawan mo na ng maaga kung di mo kayang panindigan ang paghawak dito.

B.O.: Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.
B.B.: I have two hands kaya.
B.K.: Eh yung mga nakikihawak?

B.O.: Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong may hawak ka na.
B.B.: Pano ko itatapon yung basura kung di ko hahawakan?
B.K.: Hirap sa iba ang hilig humawak at wala silang pakialam kung mahulog man nila ito.

B.O.: Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan yung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.
B.B.: O sya… bahala na…
B.K.: Naka-wheelcahir kasi!

B.O.: Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo… Dapat lumandi ka din.
B.B.: Aba, madaming mabubuntis n’yan.
B.K.: Habang bagay pa sayo ang maglandi. Go girls!

B.O.: Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.
B.B.: May point ka, Ong.
B.K.: Tama ka! Mga bitter, itaas ang bandera nyo!

B.O.: Hiwalayan na kung di ka masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.
B.B.: Advice ko ‘to kay ---
B.K.: Meron…BATO! Pamukpok sa ulo!

B.O.: Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka… Kaya quits lang.
B.B.: Tama yan. Pero panu yung minsan na nga lang magmahal, di pa minahal?
B.K.: Hahaha! Sapul! Swak!

B.O.: Bakit ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? Alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?
B.B.: Ang lungkot naman… Love causes insomnia pala!
B.K.: I disagree! Ang mga di nakakatulog ay ang mga may problema sa kanilang lovelife.

B.O.: Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka.
B.B.: Ang lupit naman nyan. Bakit kasi kailangang lumaban?
B.K.: Baka naman kasi chaka ka talaga!

B.O.: Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumukontrol ng emotions mo,mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging Masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasaklanan sa lahat ng nangyayari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo.
B.B.: Salamin salamin, sabihin sa akin…
B.K.: Pano kang matututo kung wala kang utak? Naman!

Part 2: Tungkol sa Pag-aaral

B.O.: Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, maghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)
B.B.: Totoo yan. Idagdag mo pa ang kopyahan, kodigo at bulakbol. (Guilty ako.)
B.K.: E pano kung di ka tumigil pero di ka rin nag-aral maigi?!?

B.O.: Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ng syllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskwelahan, desisyon mo kung kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university, maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung nag-drop ka. Isa-isa tayong ga-graduate, iba’t ibang paraan. Tanging diploma ay ang mga alaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan…
B.B.: Naks naman.
B.K.: Hello classmate!

B.O.: Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang paboritonglibro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa.
B.B.: Sang-ayon talaga ako dito… Ok na din pala yung Cinderella o Comicbook.
B.K.: Mas kawawa ba sila sa mga literadong walang trabaho?

B.O.: Dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. Kung di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. Sobrang lugi. Kung alam lang yan ng mga kabataan, sa pananaw ko eh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela.
B.B.: Hay, sana nga malaman ng lahat ito.
B.K.: Para palang higit sa isang life sentence! Whew!

Part 3: Tungkol sa Buhay in General

B.O.: nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na sinasagutan araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures.
B.B.: Naguluhan ako dun ah!
B.K.: May kabuluhan pa ba kahit walang naisulat?

B.O.: Kumain ka ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan.
B.B.: DRUGS din kaya ang Medicol, Alaxan, Biogesic.
B.K.: O sige, rugby na lang sa akin! Ask ko si mommy and daddy. For sure dedo ako after.

B.O.: Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa’yo mga magulang mo, pwede kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kilikili. Sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili.
B.B.: Tapos magpapakamatay pa… hay, mga siraulo.
B.K.: Ang walang sala sya unang mamato sa may sala. Just be sure na SILA ang matamaan, HINDI ikaw!

B.O.: Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guiness Book of World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. Wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa’yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa Jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa Jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?
B.B.: Madilim pa sa TOTAL ECLIPSE ito.
B.K.: Hmm… Lesson ng lektura: Kumain ka na lang ng lupa baka makarating ka pa sa Jupiter.

B.O.: Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo at mauubos ang oras.
B.B.: Un na nga… bakit kasi babangon ka pa… e di gumapang ka na lang habang maubos ang oras… sigaw ng mga mahihirap… hay, buhay!
B.K.: Oh my! Kelan pa naubos ang oras?!?

Part 4: Tungkol sa Halo-Halong Bagay

B.O.: Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka.
B.B.: Judy Ann ba ‘yan? E, monay naman siya.
B.K.: Kung sabagay! Narian naman na si Belo!

B.O.: Ayokong masanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko.
B.B.: Naku, ayokong masanay tumandang mag-isa.
B.K.: Ito sabi ng mga ayaw lumaban man lang…

B.O.: Hinahanap mo nga ba talaga ako o ang kawalan ko?
B.B.: (Matalinghaga) …pwede ‘tong line sa movie nila Claudine at Piolo, title “Hinahanap ang Kawalan”.
B.K.: Uy Bob, di kita hinahanap, tumigil ka nga!

B.O.: Hindi dahil sa hindi mo maintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. At hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan.
B.B.: Ano daw?
B.K.: Tapos?!?

B.O.: Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa’yo- ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsensya ang Dios, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao.
B.B.: Lao kung na-stroke ka.
B.K.: Akala ko ang konsensya lumalabas pag bumili ka ng Safeguard! Nasa utak lang pala!

B.O.: Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto, responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko.
B.B.: Totoo naman pero di dapat matapos ang responsibilidad sa sarili lamang.
B.K.: Ginawa ko ito… Nakalimot akong may ibang mga bagay at tao palang mas mahalaga sa sarili ko. Ngayong may edad na, dun lang ako nakakabawi sa kanila…

B.O.: Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao, tulad ko.
B.B.: Dinugo ang ilong ko d’yan.
B.K.: Sya sige, mabuti ka na! Ok ka na?!

B.O.: Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.
B.B.: Meron bang ganun?
B.K.: Wala naman kasing magawa eh! Labo naman o…

B.O.: Iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala.
B.B.: Halatang wala kang magawa kundi ang gumawa.
B.K.: Wala nga kasing magawa! Ang kulit naman o!

B.O.: Iba ang informal grammar sa mali!!!
B.B.: Aba, bago ‘yan ah… magamit nga.
B.K.: ESL teacher ka na rin?!

B.O.: Para saan ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay yun, dapat matagal na akong patay.
B.B.: Ay naku, di mo maintindihan ang technology. Sigurado ako nabuhay din ang mga ninuno natin na walang computer. Di sya kelangan… WANT lang daw.
B.K.: Wla lang camera cellphone mo! OR ayaw mo lang pa-picture kaya halos no one knows how BOB ONG looks like!

Wanted: Hancock

2009-03-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

Two movies, Hancock and Wanted, were shown last year. Will Smith starred in the former and Angelina Jolie in the latter. Two movies I have missed because of forgotten reasons. However, my decision this week to lie low and forget has led me to see these two movies which received different reviews from critics. My intention of writing about them has nothing to do with the technicalities of the films though. I am an ordinary moviegoer. I am fascinated by the special effects used to make movies more realistic. I am more of a plot-person. Content is more important to me than props. However, that is not why I am writing this blog. I conceived the idea of this entry mainly for these lines I have quoted:

“Fate doesn’t decide everything. People get to choose.” –Mary, Hancock

“We don’t know how far the ripples of our decisions go.” –Fox, Wanted

“Accountant: You want me to kill Robert Dean Darden?
Black Guy: Not me…FATE.” –Wanted

For a long time, I have advocated and lived on the first two mottos. I have always believed that humans are a race that is given the gift of free will. I have received criticisms from people who meant so much to me. They have, one way or the other, gave disapproving responses, and tried to talk me into the “destiny concept” of life. The irony in the circumstance is that they are men asking me if I have lost the romantic concept of destiny and fate. I have always insisted that the concept of free will is far more appealing and romantic to me. They could not understand, but I do. I respect and believe in the diversity of human creation.

I found these lines very amusing. The first two lines were delivered by women for everyone’s information. The concept of “fate” was told by a man. Was it a coincidence? I wonder…

Hancock decided to leave to let his beloved Mary live. He let go of the desire to be with her and of a second chance that might be given to their love. He left her. In the same way, Mary lived happily with her present husband and their son. Both Hancock and Mary made a decision to turn their back from something that may only benefit them. They chose the higher purpose of life and happiness of the many.

Wanted portrays the birth right of an assassin’s son who never knew his father. He has lived a mediocre but dissatisfied life, and has taken treatment for his anxiety problems until he discovered that he is the sole heir of the greatest assassin of the Fraternity. His destiny brought him to the organization of extraordinary people who killed because of their conviction that they are the chosen ones to make sure that stability in this world is maintained.

No one is to be blamed for your actions. Only you are responsible for anything that you have done and have chosen to do. If you have messed up beyond repair, do not point your finger on anyone, not your ex-girlfriend nor ex-boyfriend, not your parents nor your neighbor. Every one of us is given an independent mind. If you think that life has pushed you beyond your limit, remember that each one is not made identical. If you are given a more difficult and challenging test, it only means that you are also gifted with a greater power and ability to overcome them.

Never believe that life is easy. It never is. It is beautiful, yes, but it is not without pains and dark nights. We just have to choose to survive and triumph every time we are faced with life’s strife. Decide to be better afterwards. Learn from the lessons they bring and unload bitterness. Life is full of crossroads. Read the signs and take the road that leads to victory.

BYE (before another tear falls)

2009-03-25T03:24:00.000-07:00

Bye I must say
Before another hello is said;
You must know the happiness
A word from you could bring me…

You came like good news
In the spite of a raging war;
In the time of Holocaust
You would have been a retraction from Hitler.

Bye before I believe your word again
And make glad my heart…
Before I fall deep, deep down the tavern
And be enslaved by a love that deceives…

I may seem as brave and mindless,
As what everyone may perceive of me;
I have been torn many times over,
But here I am…still whole…living…

But you bring out fear in me;
You let me take backward steps, you let me hide.
I could have held you in my heart,
But I must run now before you break it apart…

So…bye now (before another tear falls!);
I’ll save myself from the pain;
I must end what we haven’t begun;
I must say goodbye now; now when I still could…

A Priori

2009-02-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

SET OUT YOUR PRIORITIES!

Lately, this admonition has been nagging my very occupied mind. If I say, "my hands are full," I may be giving an understatement. However, I couldn't find any more words to describe how my days have been lately. It's not that I'm not happy. Would anyone believe I'm enjoying every second of it? Yes, I do. I'm not complaining, but I guess sometimes, I'll come to a point where I would realize that indeed my spirit is willing but my body is weak. Priorities are easy to manage until all of those in line are vying for the first position. Only then does trouble arrive.

Anyway, life is not at all perfect. Despite its imperfections though, we could find a way to make them close to perfect. It's still a matter of attitude in facing these things that come to our way. And with that, I'd say... I'd make the most of what comes now for who knows when these things shall come my way again.

Life is beautiful. It has always been...

Language Gap... Or is it Misuse?

2008-10-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Teachers learn everyday from lesson preparations to class time, from books to students, from students to teachers.

For the past two months, I and a handful of my co-teachers have been talking about one student who seems to have impressed most of us, but time has proven that first impressions don't always last. I think I was the last to have given him the benefit of the doubt. It happened this morning while we were having class.

"I have a chronic disease," he has started.

I was bewildered with his reason for not being well for the past weeks. How would one take a news such as this? My eyes expressed the shock and unbelief that I felt. And there started a long discussion on the meaning of the word "chronic". My patience, I could say, was tested to the edge. I told him tactfully that he should open his mind so that he could understand what I was trying to tell him.

That was not the first time I've heard a word misused and misinterpreted. Filipinos know the English language so much that it has become close to being their native tongue. However, it is perplexing to admit that that pride (Some patriots may object violently to this. Sorry, folks!) is beginning to become an embarrassment. The University of the Philippines has opened a new subject in their curriculum, English 1. This is a bridged course for freshmen students to prepare them for Communication 1, 2 and 3. The people in the academe have discovered the reality that many freshmen who enter the premiere university have a very poor mastery of the English language. These freshmen belong, by the way, to the top two percent of the Filipino students entering college. One cannot help but conclude a worse condition for those who are not among that statistics.

Consequently, I have started scribbling some English words that are often misused even by professionals in practical conversations. I will give the lawyers and philosophers the benefit of the doubt and not mention their many erroneous jargon here.

Here is a list of the most common mistakes Filipinos make:

1. Prepositions such as in, on and at. We usually say, "I'm in school," when what we really want to say is "I'm at school." This statement expresses where the speaker's presence is. It is at school. When one is excusing himself or herself for not answering a phone call, they usually reason out, "I was in the meeting." It's wrong if in is not changed to at. Another goes, "I'm riding in the bus." This is very technical but would you believe me when I say it should be said, "I'm on the bus"? "Don't be angry at me" can be made correct by changing at to with unless "me" is a thing or a collective object like crowd, audience, mob, etc.

2. The use of now as a direct translation of the Filipino word na like, "Did you forget it now?" "Do you know it now?" "I don't know the answer now." Shouldn't already be used?

3. Make and Do are also two common words that we have already mixed up. I always hear, "I did a lot of errors in the test." "I didn't go to the club to make exercise." It's funny. Make is used if the word that follows it is not yet existent. For example, "I will make my presentation excellent." The presentation nor the performance of the speaker in the illustration has not yet happened so make is the correct word to use. I did my homework is the right statement instead of using make my homework.

4. The simple and commonly used word find also found its way to this list. "I'm finding the book my friend suggested me to read" is one error that Filipinos commit. Instead of using looking for or searching, finding is used as the English for hinahanap.

5. The use of scratch paper is an antique error that many Filipinos use to refer to a piece of spare paper for scribbling, drawing, etc. People, we use a scrap paper for such purposes. We scratch something that itches. What one uses for this reason depends on the person.

6. The articles a, an and the are the last but not the least mistake that we often misuse. "This is a tool that would be an answer to the people's desires." This should be a very impressive statement except for three very short words: a, an, the. "This is the tool that would be the answer to people's desires." The latter is the proofread version of the former.

The above are only a handful words that show how Filipinos misuse English words. Our ancestors from the Commonwealth government to the late Martial Law era would be stooping down at us with sneers that could melt all our pride away. "Who cares, I'm a Filipino anyway" is what many would throw at me for writing about this issue. The point that I want to emphasize here is the leniency that we have lived with where English is concerned. We may be advocating patriotism, but we are a people who are known to be excellent at mastering languages besides many other good qualities and skills.

The discussion I had with my student ended with him telling me that it has been a matter of language gap. Maybe it was. However, I believe that it was more of a misinterpretation of word meanings, and eventually it led to their misuse.

Filipinos are more fortunate than other nationalities. We have an enmasse resources of the English language. Perhaps, we have taken these for granted like many English-speaking peoples. However, let us educate ourselves more about this universal langauge. This is more of a fact than an opinion. One who is well versed with it has an edge with many things especially in job-hunting, career advancement and many others. But don't get me wrong. I am a patriotic lady who embraces my being a Filipino. What is my point then?

My point is that, we try the resources which we have at hand to upgrade our lives and aspirations. We don't lose our nationality by mastering a foreign langauge, but we could prove to the world and regain our pride by showing them that Filipinos are masters in fields that they decide to be masters of.

Reflection from the Hoops

2008-10-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

It's always been an expected reaction that when I stand in a crowd, small as I am, people don't fail to take notice of me. It's either the words I speak or the things that they see on me. I've gotten used to it since I don't remember when anymore. Besides, I don't care about the way people respond to my presence. I speak out what I have in mind, I do what I'm told to do with passion, and I wear anything that I'm comfortable with.

I've just come from a caucus. Those who attended it were all free to voice out their opinions and suggestions. This afternoon's meeting was very interactive. Everyone was at ease with each other. I guess we've become familiar with each other already.

However, in the mid of the very interesting and open discussions, one raised a statement about my earrings. It was a harmless comment but one which left me a realization afterwards.

It's the weekend, and I just wanted to be very casual. I wore jeans, red sweater over a white tank top. I pulled my hair up exposing my face clean and simple. I decided not to wear any accessories except for a pair of butterfly-hoop earrings and a butterfly ring. There, that's my idea of a comfy and fun attire. But maybe my earrings were too big to stand out. I was surprised at first to hear the comment. It's been a while that someone has spoken out about my looks. I've expected that people have already accepted my style and have become familiar with it.

A year ago, I've experienced a discrimination from people who were very different from me. I've cried in secret over this unacceptance of people to my being different. But I've overcome the former prejudice that they had of me. Eventually, they've gotten used to my loudness in style and radical ideas.

However, after the incident this afternoon I've realized something which I've already thought of last year. Some people are not ready for me yet. Many still feel uneasy about my presence and mind. Some try to embrace me and my opinions, but I still await in silence and patience until the many could already find a place for me in their close-minds and conventionality. I don't blame them, and I couldn't judge them, too.

In my world, I've already learned to accept why some people look differently at me and why they are threatened with my presence. It's as individuality. They see me as someone from another dimension. Actually, our thoughts are mutual. I think of them in the same way.

In Paolo Coelho's "Veronica Decides to Die", one character told Veronica that in the asylum everyone is a normal person, and those who are outside (or those who are called normal persons) are the ones who are crazy. That's how the world goes... My role is to go with how it does.

When Heartaches End

2008-09-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

Before this day happened, I had predicted that it's going to be great. And so despite the difficulty I had this morning in getting up, I made certain that I'd be my best self today. I dressed myself up in my most comfortable outfit and matched it with the best bag and pair of shoes. I also wore my hair down and sleek straight. I greeted the morning as it kissed me with its cool air and warm sunlight. I didn't bother complaining about the traffic jam that met me on the way to work. And so it has been...

It's one of the best Fridays I've had. The details are stored in my memory bank; I decide to keep it to myself though (Don't worry, it ain't the point of this post anyway.).

I'll spill a realization, though, that occurred to me while a couple of my colleagues and I were walking under the pine trees and a dusky sky.

Let me begin with this poem that I wrote almost over two years ago. Writing this was definitely not an easy task. It had been a triumphant struggle over shaking shoulders and eyes that could barely see anything through tears.

SOMEDAY

A word so far yet so soon:
Someday...
I see it just way ahead;
Vague yet so real...

Someday it'd all be a memory:
Your eyes, your smile, your scent...
Perhaps I'd forget some special things:
Your kiss, your touch; the way you look at me...

Someday you'd remember me and smile;
Maybe you'd wonder how I'd been...
Perhaps your heart'd beat a little faster,
But perhaps not...

Someday someone's gonna come;
He'd love me the way you should have;
He'd see me and tell me I'm worth it all;
He'd hold me and never let me go...

Someday he's gonna come;
He'd show me that I've not lost everything;
He'd make me understand why you had to go;
And on that moment, I'll know I'm over you...

Before I have seriously considered entering a relationship, I promised to myself that the first man I'd love would be the last. I think everybody hopes for that. Others get lucky. But are they truly satisfied and happy having had a single love all their lives (with all honesty, that is! Hahaha)? Okay now, read through this first before raising your arguments.

Obviously, I did not end up with the first man I've loved. We've been best friends for as long as I could remember. We've risked the friendship, overcome disparities and disapproval of many people. We broke up. I've gone through hell and back. I've been able to bring back together all the shattered dreams that I've built with him. I've pulled myself up and began anew. I've gone back on my feet. I've been better and beautiful (Give me this moment, guys! Purse your lips and keep your objections! Hehehe). We got back together. I've believed that our love was stronger and sweeter the second time around. Once more I risked giving him a fresh start. Then we broke up again. This time, I've decided to give NO third or so chance ever again. Consequently, I have burned bridges, let the anchors lose and made the boats go free. And here I am now: single, waiting and hopeful.

Looking back now, I realize that a great part of my grief when we first broke up was on the fear that I'd never be able to love anyone again the way I've loved him. I was scared of being changed, embittered, cold and cynical about love and relationships. I lamented on the thought that I might have nothing to give anymore the next time I'd fall. It had taken me a while to get my senses back to good and be assured by reality.

Now I'm more hopeful. Seeing other people go through the experiences I've already done and been through make me smile. I feel my years, which are not yet that advanced, but I'm peacefully happy. It's too early for me to have these reflections and realizations. However, I could stay home comfortably and contentedly with a warm milk on my nightstand table and a book to read before bidding goodbye to a day that has been. I could stay this way in my room at night without worrying that I'm alone nor that I'd stay this way forever.

Perhaps the pains I've experienced and the process that followed them showed me that everything ends, even the most devastating and shattering ones. They make me agree that it's truly better to live out real troubles than imaginary ones. It's better to have loved and get hurt than never having loved at all.

Now I could say I am braver. I still harbor fears that come in a large variety and tons of them, that is, but they could not bound me to shackles of paralysis anymore. I still wake up with confusions that I deal with the moment I open my eyes to another day. Struggles against myself are still existent. However, I'm more prepared to face them now...and more equipped.

Having to stand and start over have renewed my hopes. I could love again. I may hurt and cry many times over. I may experience a million deaths again; however, I will not escape these realities that make me more alive...that make my hopes closer and more real. There were mistakes I'd never do again. But despite all those, I won't stop myself from taking chances and living life to its fullest. I'll try. I may fail. But I'll not stop trying.

Then perhaps, scarred as my soul is, I could love better. I could love more. True love happens when one has conquered himself or herself over his or her fears. Deep wounds inflict gigantic fears and self-doubt in people but when they dare and overcome those, it becomes a more courageous act of love than that which has known no such hurts and betrayal.

This realization has dawned upon me with the thoughts of people who may or may not be agreeable with me. I value their wisdom and friendship, and I salute most of them for the bravery that they have in facing tomorrows with so much hope in spite of the darkest of yesterdays. They are all part of my happy Fridays and better days. Tata!

Doses of Happiness

2008-09-20T02:12:00.000-07:00

Happiness they say is a state of mind. It is a choice not a circumstance. People could be happy if they want to be. But why is it that many still live days of solitude and distress? Is it true that life has been extremely unfair in giving them all the misfortunes in the world?

I am not a Happiness Doctor. Besides, many people could not believe my stories when I unfold them. They always respond with eyes of unbelief. But it's a truth. I have gone through valleys of loneliness and solitude. The worse thing was that, I've been alone at those times. But I have learned that being there is a choice as being happy is. This is not to say that I don't feel sad anymore. I still do. I still cry. I still mope in my room and isolate myself from people. The difference this time is that I do something about it now. I dwell on it for a while then free myself from it. I see every day as a unique day. Everything lasts, and so does sadness nor misfortunes.

Here are some of the things that make me happy everyday. I always encounter them, and I acknowledge their beauty and see them as miracles. Let me share them to you:

1. Sunshine that touches my face in the morning. After over a decade of living in Baguio, it was only today that I woke up with the sunlight on my face.

2. Butterflies that greet me on my way to work. Would you believe that in an area there could be ten kinds of butterflies that could dwell?

3. Very considerate and kind drivers of jeepneys and cabs. I could also include passengers who smile when you accidentally glance there way. This afternoon on my way home from a meeting, a co-passenger across me talked to me. He liked the bling-bling on my phone. He was courteous in asking about it and said he's never seen one here.

4. A dog who's just finished taking a bath and was too impatient to dry itself. I think its owner didn't have a hairdryer. It was a playful maltese. It was very cute rolling around and playing with its master.

5. A rainbow. Or the sparkling surrounding after a hard rain. Everything seems to look clean and sparkling. Hehehe.

6. A text message saying hi.

7. A good meal. Or a good dessert if lunch nor dinner isn't that satisfying. Or a laughing session over coffee.

8. Smiles of my students. If they come to class with a bad mood, I make them smile. (Lesson: you make people smile if they are grumpy. Contaminate them with your good mood, not the other way around.)

9. Starry nights and a romantic moon dwelling among them.

10. A warm milk and a good book in bed.

It may seem very shallow, but here are the doses of happiness I take everyday. I hope you may find yours as well. You just have to see them. They already surround you.

In Someone Else's Shoes

2008-09-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy my discussion classes even though some of them end up with heated arguments due to irreconcilable differences. They teach many things especially on views that are unfamiliar to me or are from people of another culture. And through these points of view I see the world in a bigger picture. I come to realizations of other worlds and other peoples.

This morning, I was smiling at my student who was voicing out his opinion about the significance of chores to children and their contributions to the overall being of the adults that they would be someday. I was smiling because I was surprised at how he perceives some facts on raising children (he's a Korean priest for everybody's information). He said that children have to be given responsibilities as soon as they could already do so. He elaborated on some social facts on the structured time of young children at present. We discussed social and even genetic aspects related to this very general and simple topic of "Household Chores". Inevitably (since I'm the teacher), we touched on the issue of patriarchy. I mentioned that the society dictates the tasks that boys and girls should take which consequently results to men and women of defined perceptions on social roles and duties.

I was used to hearing students, especially the men, opposing my views. I was a little caught of guard on hearing my words being spoken by someone else. We belong to different societies which have big disparities on culture and lifestyle. But somehow our discussion this morning made me smile to the fact that people are not truly separated by these factors but by prejudices and self-righteousness.

It was a refreshing realization. However, I have concealed my approval and appreciation of his theories and opinions. I don't know... Perhaps I have been trained for too long on being objective and detached when it comes to my students. It's somewhat a defense mechanism. Anyway, in my own ways I admire and adore them.

How Women Survive

2008-09-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

I read this poem in a book about girlfriends.

"If you've got secrets you want to tell,
we can talk all day long. If your
dreams
got broken somehow, I'll remind you
that
you belong. If you need someplace to
hide,
you can hold my hand for a while. If
your sky begins to fall, I'll stay with you
'til you smile. Whenever you need some space,
there's my room - you can take it. If someone
breaks your heart, together we'll unbreak
it. Whren you feel sad and empty inside, I'll
show you you're not alone. If you get lost
out there, I'll come and take you home. I'll
go with you somewhere else when you need
to get away. And when nothing seems
to be going right and you need a
friend...
I'll stay." -by: Ashley Rice

It's an amazing gift...girlfriends. It's perplexing how women go through afflictions and endure them all and coming out strong. It's been a very old concept that men are stronger than women. Nowadays, the idea that women are the stronger species is gaining its popularity even among the men (Sir Louis I hope you are reading this. Hahahaha). However, this is not about who the stronger species is. It's about how we could carry on after a very painful blow in our lives, particularly a heartache.

I've heard before that people change after they've had their hearts broken. The changes; however, fall into two categories: the good and the bad. Not everyone who lives through a break up, has let go and recovered falls into the better-me change. Some become their worse selves. That's a sad outcome.

Anyway, let me share this simple aid-kit that you may use if you are going through the painful process of healing and starting over.

1. Have a Miranda, a Carrie, a Charlotte or a Samantha in your life. These four women (if you're not familiar with them) are the characters who made Sex and The City a big hit all over the US and the world. They are the best friends who have shown that women can live through anything if they have true friends who will always be with them through whatever.

A girl who has found a real girlfriend may cry for a while, curse the world or even hate it. She can hide away from everyone. She can lose herself into tears and depression. She is free to feel anything, her friends would not stop her from feeling what she is truly going through. She wallows until she could already detach from it completely. Then, she would be ready to face the world with courage and new hope.

2. Rediscover yourself. When we are in a relationship we tend to lose ourselves. We compromise our convictions, personalities, likes and things we don't really like. And so after the break-up people think that we have changed. They are right. We could be stronger though and feel better about ourselves if we find who we really are. Then moving on could be faced with smiles and sunny mornings (even when you wake up with a gray sky).

If you have an extra money to spend, do so. Go to the salon and get that hairstyle you've been dying to have. Pamper yourself and make yourself beautiful. But be warned, do this for yourself not for the ex-boyfriend nor for any prospective boyfriend. Do this for yourself.

Travel if you can. Meeting new people and exploring new territories give us the freedom to evaluate and reflect honestly. It is an enjoyable way of exploring ourselves with the bonus of gathering stories that we experience throughout our trip. It may cost us a lot but then nothing comes free in this life. Traveling may open us to unknown possibilities. This way we could face our fears and find out that it's not dangerous to be adventurous. We make real troubles instead of imaginary ones.

3. Meet other guys. This is as exciting as traveling or going to the salon, girls! Getting acquainted with men gives us the opportunity to know the male species better. It may be helpful for future uses. As they say, the most effective way of offense is familiarity with the opponent. Besides, it liberates us from any bitterness or hatred towards men. This way, we get to open ourselves to the fact that not all men are evil (sorry for the term, guys). We discover that there are men who are also true and faithful. They are now becoming endangered though. Guys are great friends. They are honest and very candid with their points of view. They would say outright what they think of.

Flirting is another thing, just on the side. Many guys love playing this game. Play with them. It's safe, as long as you do it with your head still above your shoulders. Put it in mind that when they play this game, it does not automatically mean that they are into you. They just enjoy it. If they do, you could so to. Just be careful not to go too far hurting them; this leads me now to the last but not the least tool you could use to move on and recover completely.

4. Never ever use a fall guy. Anyone who comes from a hard blow is vulnerable. They need to be comforted, be assured that they are not alone, they need someone... And the funny thing is, someone's really going to surface to attend to these needs. Suitors or guys come flooding your cellphone. Men like to go out with you. It's gonna rain men, girls! But be on your guard. You may feel special. You may feel you're falling again with someone. It is natural. But don't take the bait. Before you take in a new guy in your life make sure that you are not looking for anyone to save you from the pain you're suffering in. It is not fair. No one deserves to be used this way. And it does not work that way most of the time. Listening to the married women who hitched it with the man who came after they broke up with the former boyfriend tells me that this is not a make-believe. So guys, don't feel offended when a girl turns you down while they're recuperating. Be flattered. That only means that they respect you so much and think highly of you.

We have our own ways of surviving a fall. But one important thing we have to remember is, we are not alone in this. We have our girlfriends, our family and a tomorrow that awaits us. Falling means hurting and bleeding, but it does not mean being paralyzed all our lives. Life is beautiful. We only have to learn how to live it well.

And to the very faithful and supportive girlfriends out there, thank you so much for everything! Tata!

A Feeling Gone Unfamiliar

2008-09-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little sad. I did not know exactly what caused it. I did not want to get up nor go to work today. When I heard my alarm sounded, I turned it off and went back to sleep thinking of a reason not to attend to my classes. I came up with one but it would be a lie (a tiny lie actually). After the millionth sound, I dragged myself out of my bed and headed to today.

The sky was amazingly beautiful. There was barely a cloud in sight. I wondered how Van Gogh would paint it. Maybe he would give it lonely strokes of blue and white hues.

It has been a strange feeling to me. I was thinking about it through the traffic jam I was trapped into. Tears were a daily dose of my life for the past three (or so) years. I woke up with it and slept on it. Loneliness was a piece of cake for me. But this morning it felt too unfamiliar already. It seemed like ages ago since I have felt it.

Perhaps it goes that way. When people become too accustomed to a feeling like misery, they find it hard to believe that they are actually happy when they already are. I have not been this peacefully blissful for a very long time; however, times come when I could hardly believe that I really am.

Even now, my thoughts are too muddled to be here. I was just hoping that somehow this could relieve some of the heavy feelings inside. It is my therapy; I hope it still is... I will discern it in a while...

A Dialogue: Before Sunset

2008-08-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from the movie Before Sunset, one of my favorite. I'm just a few pages away from the end. I found its book. It's like watching the movie again. But of the sequel, I like this more than the first. Perhaps because I see how the characters have grown. And in their growth, Celine and Jesse haven't really changed. They've gotten some lines in their faces. Their conversations were etched with what they've gone through for the past nine years, separately and individually. If you've watched Before Sunrise, you'd realize that Celine still bears her character and Jesse is still the romantic of the two. Maybe this is what makes the movie interesting. It's more real. It's like watching yourself in someone else's shoes and name. You'd say to yourself, "Hey, that's me!" It's not just a love story. It's a story of life...

Here's one of the many dialogues I'd love to share.

Celine: But I feel human when I want something more than just basic survival needs. Wanting--- whether it's intimacy with another person or a new pair of shoes--- is kind of beautiful. I like that we have ever-renewing desires.

Jesse: Yeah.. I guess it's just entitlement that brings all the pain. Whenever you feel you deserve that pair of shoes, that your desires should be met. It's all right to have wants and needs as long as you don't get angry when they're not realized. Life is hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer we would never learn a thing.

Out of Stock

2008-08-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

It hasn't happened only to me. I'm certain that many others out there have experienced the irony of finding the perfect dress, pants, jacket, shoes then discovering that their size has gone out of stock. Alanis Morisette, in the late '90s, won the world with her song "Ironic". Everyone has identified with it because life's imperfections are entwined with its mismatches and wrong timings.

I've been in search for a soft-toned silver-black shoes, the ones that I could wear on special occasions such as happy days and happier days. Then alas! I found it. It was an open-toe shoe with the perfect heel. It fitted me well and blended with the color of my skin. It also could have gone well with jeans and my uniform for work. And above all, I loved it because it's so light and soft. My feet were very comfortable with it. Then when I was about to pay for it I found a damage at the back of one of the shoes. Then I asked the saleslady if I could get another pair but of the same size. But to my dismay, she returned and said that that's the remaining stock for that design. I stood at the counter for perhaps 15 minutes battling and justifying the damage and the "perfect" shoes. I left the store with the shoes only in my mind now and a very disappointed feeling.

LESSON: Cliches are true. We don't need them because we always experience them.

I've met him, the kind of man I hope would love me, fight for me and keep me. He knows me too well. He could read my mind and knows what I truly mean when I don't really mean something. He says the words that I need when I shut the world out. He knows where to find me when I'm hiding from everyone. He doesn't call nor text me at a certain hour because he's always remembered how grumpy I am when I'm awaken from my sleep. When I eat, he always keeps himself preoccupied while waiting for me. Because he knows that it takes me a decade to finish my food. He would not be surprised if I eat like a pig. He always comes to my aid. He becomes my voice most of the time... I could talk with him about the government, cars, people who act like pigs, literature and above all--- FAITH.

He guides me in the right obedience. He rebukes me when I need to be reminded on how to be pleasing to our BOSS. He's all that, more or less.

But he ain't for me. We couldn't be, all because of one thing: numbers. Mankind is in nature very particular with numbers. People give big importance to them. And with these numbers come other factors. I know he's waited so long for somebody to come along. With the days, weeks, months and years he's counted, he deserves a lady far batter than I am.

It's almost been two months now since I walked out of that store. I've passed by several times hoping for a new stock to come. I wasn't successful.

I've accepted it as I've had with the man I've only hoped to love but have never done. I've always known it cannot be, and so my feelings are at check. In this life, we often deal with the imperfections with risks. We ask ourselves how brave and determined we are in taking risks. And so far, this is not the kind of risk I'm willing to take.

Barefoot

2008-07-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

Some people are very fettish about shoes. Besides being a fashion statement, shoes, they say, signify one's status quo. Others base this so-called status symbol on the name, style, or how clean or presentable one's shoes are. Prejudices arise because of these footwears which might have been invented merely to protect the feet of the earliest inhabitants on earth, since traveling on foot was the way of life then.

Tonight, I retired early to bed. I'm tired from the long days I've been living with for the past week. It seems strange. Perhaps I've been used to the routine of going to my room late at night, get in bed and sleep (after sending out my "good nights" to everyone I could still remember). And I feel something that I've been trying to avoid. This is the feeling, one of the reasons, why I drive myself to exhaustion everyday. I don't want to give any space for emptiness to creep in. I don't have much time for loneliness.

The moment I take off my shoes, I bare myself to the reality of myself and around me. There is no status quo to cover up my tired feet and aching heels and toes. And I'm usually on bed massaging my feet and trying to rub them so that they warm up a bit. I've got cold feet - literally.

Tonight, I've seen myself in all these. I seem to be on the outside looking in. Somehow I miss the times that someone cares, someone checks on me and asks how my day has been. It's not an issue of a person, but it's just a matter of wishing that somewhere someone is thinking of me.

Then, something hit me. Suddenly, I was hoping for someone who I'd find home waiting for me when I open the door, or someone I'd wait for when I've already taken off my shoes and left the worries of the day outside as I close the door behind them.

It may be good to come home to a place like that, and have someone to talk to about what's happened throughout the day as he massages my feet. But maybe now he also feels the same. Somewhere, that someone may also be thinking of me without knowing that it's me he's thonking of. Sometimes I hope he'd already find me...

Tomorrow I'd wear my shoes again. Tomorrow, I could hide again a part of me that I don't want anyone to see. I'm protective of my feet. And so with these wishes of mine...

Rain in My Shoes

2008-07-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

It's raining outside. The typhoon has not left Baguio yet, to my disapointment and many others. I left my place with the sun peeping through the clouds. And so I thought, "wow, today's a new day! A better day, indeed!"

But after two hours, the wind started blowing hard. And now the clouds have fallen and transformed into cold rainwater.

My bubble jacket is zipped up to my neck. My hands and feet are cold (as always). I've just finished a very short class with my most disliked student. I've been waiting for this moment to come. I've prayed and begged for so long that he be out of my schedule. And now, my prayer has been answered... I should be veryyyyyyy happy.

But why is it that I felt a tinge of sadness as he shook my hand and thanked me for "tolerating" his class for so long. (Mind you, the word is my own.)

I hate the rain in my shoes. It irritates me too much. I'd rather have my bare feet wet by the harshest rain than have it in my shoes. When the clouds give sign of pouring down, I always think of what I must wear to protect my feet being soaked in water. I really despise it.

There are things in my life that I've prayed for, I've asked to be gone... There were countless of them. Some answers to those prayers came late; some came too soon. But however long it took for them to reach me, I always felt sadness. I don't know why my initial reaction was that. It must have been gladness.

Perhaps, I've been too attached that detachment becomes a difficult phase again. Or maybe because somehow there were hopes that things could work out for the better if not for the best.

But I'm good at this. I think... I allow myself to wallow in loneliness for a while, giving myself a deadline, then the moment I decide to let it go... I detach. And I'm good...:)

That's what I do with a shoe filled with water. I take it off, then drain the water out. It'd take a while. I'd wait to get home to do it.

Then I'm ready to wear it again when it's all dry and "good".